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[28 Jan 2008|11:35am] |
i slipped again.
im back up now but still.
i cant believe i let myself get like that again.
i think i can look deeper this time to try and figure out why.
maybe its because i feel like im lost or hopeless or something.
i know that sounds pathetic but itl change.
it sucks because ive said i was done, so i even have trouble believing myself, and that scares the shit out of me.
but no more.
ive got to take control of my life. im tired of being disconnected from everything and everyone. i want to suck it all up. life has so much to offer even if sometimes it dosnt seem that way. i keep shutting everyone and everything out. thats not the kind of life i want to live.
thats no way to live life.
maybe its because theres alot of shit to do and i just want to push it all away. im just going to man up and do some shit.
things WILL get better. im changing.
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[11 Jan 2008|06:13am] |
oops. i smoked pot the other day.
and it was fucking awesome haha.
i got so ripped because i havnt smoked in like 2 months.
and i had the whizzinator so i could pass my drug test.
its like a handy fake penis that pisses out synthetic clean urine.
kinda looks like a strap on with a little piss pouch at the top.
i only did it once tho, well okay twice. but now i need like a week to clean out again, because fake piss can get expensive when you gotta buy it twice a week lol.
untill next time weed, and it will be a glorious occasion.
i think music may very well be the best thing in the entire universe.
it makes you high.
i love finding the right song to fit the mood im in.
no matter how your feeling, theres a song for it.
i wanna make music, im gonna play guitar and sing tomorrow.
i would do it now but its like 6 am and im gonna go to bed.
gnite.
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[09 Jan 2008|05:20pm] |
lifes getting kind of boring lately. i feel like ive hit a standstill.
i need to do things to get shit moving.
i miss somone alot.
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[06 Dec 2007|03:59am] |
update time.
lifes been going pretty good lately.
i cant smoke pot but whatever, its kinda funny actually i used to think i would die without weed, but after a while i just got used to being sober again. and its not that bad at all.
i mean dont get me wrong id love to roll up that blunt but what are ya gonna do you know?
if i ever do start getting fucked up again, it definately wont be like before. i was an idiot about it. i took it for granted and thats why im in the situation im in. i had no priorities. i sat around all day doing nothing and getting high. thats not what weeds all about.
i gotta have priorities, and i think its good i have to be clean for a while. itll give me the time i need to get my shit together.
and maybe when all my DAF and NA meetings, and court ordered checkins are done, and ive gone to work and done all my homework :) ill go home and roll one up.
cant wait.
well actually i can wait. besides i have to wait haha. either that or jail.
i feel good naturally. life is awesome. i always thought being high on life was some bull shit but its not at all. the funny thing is it took being high on drugs to make me realize it. interesting.
drugs are very powerful things. some of them can do great things if you dont abuse them and dont take them for granted.
and yet others are just waiting to ruin your life. i think if we tought people this that we wouldnt have such a bad drug problem in this country.
and taking drugs for the sole purpose of getting fucked up is usually not a good idea.
but yea drugs aside lifes pretty good as of late. i cant complain, got my family, got my friends, got a pretty damned good life.
and im alive, when i prolly should have died like 7 times already. gotta be grateful for what you have. dont take anything for granted.
~peace and love.
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[08 Nov 2007|07:07pm] |
well, i fucked up big time.
turns out kicking was alot harder than i thought.
it took a night in gun club and a felony charge to get me on the strait and narrow.
i havnt slept, i feel like complete shit. i am in mad withdrawal.
but im strong and i will persevere.
man, anyone whos reading this, take my advice and avoid addictive substances, you become a slave to yourself.
ive hurt so many people in these past 4 months, and its all such a blur too me.
my parents, my friends, everyone. i let them all down. i treated them like shit and nothing mattered as long as i got high. and i aint talkin bout weed.
im just now realizing how out of my mind i actually was. and its really scary to look back and realize that i honestly thought i did not have a problem. the urge to slide that fucking pill down that foil is kicking me in the balls. but it will go away soon. besides. i cant fuck up. if i fail these piss tests i go strait back to jail. and let me tell you, jail is worse than you could imagine.
its not like u get assraped or beat, in county noone really fucks with you, but thats not the problem.
its the loss of freedom, the freezing cold, the shackles, not knowing what the fuck is going to happen to you. all i wanted to do was go home but i was stuck in a cold cold place. not to mention if i actually get convicted of that felony my life is FUCKED.
i can imagine it would be extremely difficult to get a job with a felony conviction on your record.
im so sorry, to everyone who i hurt, and to myself.
ive got alot of wrongs to right.
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[04 Nov 2007|12:50am] |
things are getting better.
tomorrow im going to try and get some exercise, i need it. i went for a short bike ride today but i need more.
weed is amazing. still the best drug to this day.
weed will never let you down or do you wrong.
yea its fun to be all fucked up on crazy drugs and shit, but at the end of the day its usually alot more enjoyable and alot easier to smoke some weed. i love it. sometimes i feel like ive done too many brain blasting drugs and all i want to do is smoke pot and chill.
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[01 Nov 2007|03:45am] |
life is pretty intense right now i guess you could say.
some crazy shit going on.
i have my mom handing me daily doses of methadone and xanax because i got caught being a drug addict and talked my parents into allowing me to self-medicate as an alternative to rehab.
my love life is, i dont even know.
school is easy, but for some reason i seem to be taking my sweet ass time with it.
i feel lost and restless.
but its ok, things are never as bad as they seem. Plus i know ill get through it all.
just gotta keep truckin along, cant lose sight of my goals, myself, or the bigger picture.
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[29 Aug 2007|11:33am] |
well, some drugs i still think are good in moderation.
the ones i thought were bad turned out to be just that though.
dont smoke pills.
dont even take pills lol.
my back hurts and im tired.
it seems like a really good idea to smoke a couple right now.
i know its not though
its not worth it to go back.
ill go skating instead.
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[16 Aug 2007|02:01pm] |
so summers over.
this has been a crazy summer, with good and bad.
the end was sooooooo gooooooooooooood.
everyones leaving now though.
its crazy man. like im bored to shit and everyone left me again but for some reason im still content in life.
i miss certain people pretty bad tho.
still, i feel like ive been blessed with my life man, i love it.
i need to take steps to better protect it.
i do stupid shit that puts my health and therefore my life in jepordy, namely smoking, too much of too many things.
i think im just going to smoke weed every now and then, and instead of blazing all day everyday just make weed food instead.
eating weed is much better for you than smoking it. mmm browniesss and cookiessss.
i also sit on my ass too much and dont eat right all the time.
excerciseeeee, i went running on the beach the other day and it felt amazing.
i need to do more of that.
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[26 Jul 2007|03:07am] |
i think war is bad.
you watch government doods talking about how this and that is a terrorist state or bla bla and we have to control or attack or defend some shit.
its like theyre playing risk, except using real people lol.
kinda fucked up.
people are dying for causes that arent real.
well they are real but like, theyre man made ya know?
like parents and society pass on their perception of the world to their kids.
and sometimes their perception thinks certain people are bad or different or whatever.
people need to jump ahead and look at the world from just like a blank human perspective.
if everyone could just like eachother for a couple of generations it would be natural.
wars and shit will go on forever if we dont just realize that its all a big illusion.
reality is formed in the human brain, and some people need to check their shit, it seems to me sometimes that alot of people have a hard time looking at things from a perspective other than their own, they cant erase all their biases and assumptions because their kind of oblivious to them. its the things they just accept and know, like that the people on the other side of the planet are bad.
people need to just look at people as people, if that makes sense.
because were all people, were all pretty much the same at the core of it.
we all feel, we all live on the same planet.
its just like factions that were formed throughout history.
they need to meld together so we can all work on important things,
think about how much could be accomplished if there was no war.
war is such a waste of energy.
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[25 Jul 2007|02:03am] |
i need more energy.
i think i should start getting more exercise/fresh air.
also eat healthier more natural foods.
stop smoking.
sleep better.
make more music.
success.
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[20 Jul 2007|01:54am] |
if youve never smoked a cigarette, good.
keep it that way.
if you smoke cigarettes now, stop.
just do it.
when i started smoking cigarettes, i made one of the dumbest mistakes of my life.
i mean shit,
some old man somewhere is taking my money and addicting me to a lethal substance.
im making a rich person even richer to kill me slowly.
its time to quit.
ive used a couple of intoxicating substances in my time and i can say that cigarettes are really the only one i regret ever trying.
other than making me feel relaxed when i start spazzing out because my addicted brain is telling me i need to smoke one, smoking cigarettes has never really done shit for me.
no positive changes in mindset or lifestyle have resulted from my use of cigarettes.
its actually made me more lazy and unwilling to exercise.
it gets to the point where smoking cigarettes will sap your energy.
i just feel lazy and out of shape, i feel like i cant breathe right.
shit man they dont even get you high.
fuck cigarettes, im done.
easier said than done though right?
i guess i'll find out.
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[12 Jul 2007|03:08pm] |
i know what i want to do with my life.
i want to make everyone on this entire fucking planet dance.
thats right, i want every single human being to be vibing out to the same jam at the same time.
everyone, everywhere.
no man woman or child will be doing anything other than dancing,
impossible? nope.
i will do it, because im sure as fuck not going to die trying.
ill die sometime after i do it.
if everyone could just lose it, and bust lose i think theyd realize theres more to life than they had previously thought.
think im just some crazy beaneater?
try it yo, next time your at a concert or anywhere theres music just let it go.
it dosnt matter what kind of music it is.
with or without drugs, drugs just make it easier sometimes. you can still do it though.
dont think about the people around you, dont think about the song, dont think about yourself, dont think about fucking anything.
just FEEL that music, MOVE AND LET IT GO, you will thank yourself.
just let go. let go of everything, anything thats important will come back to you when your done.
and no, im not on drugs right now.
keep on dancing.
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[12 Jul 2007|01:30am] |
i was sitting here, thinking about how bad right now was sucking, but for some reason i changed my mind.
i mean its not the worst thing in the world, things could definitely be worse, and i'm thankful that they're not.
but this isn't that great either.
sitting here on my computer, bored, lonely, restless, noone to talk to, nothing to do.
i would play guitar but i don't want to wake up rob.
tv sucks, i have no weed, im not hungry, im out of cigarettes, i dont think ill be involved in any sexual activity tonight and im too lazy to wank.
but i love being alive :)
and for some reason when i read all of that back to myself it makes me laugh.
man life is crazy, and i love it.
im happy just to be alive, and not be in pain of any kind.
well physical pain, i guess we all have at least a little emotional pain goin on most of the time.
whatever though, pain teaches us things, cant ignore it. gotta dive right into it and be honest with yourself.
then you can learn from it.
life is a crazy trip, and i think thats why as much as id love to be dancing on planet disco with mad fine women right now, im somehow happy just to be sitting here, able to type on this computer.
just being able to experience life is kind of like a gift if you think about it.
plants and objects and shit just are, they just exist as a part of the universe or whatever.
we actually get to observe it all, think about it, enjoy its good parts and suffer its bad.
i think i just need to put a little more into it.
you cant just expect what you want to come to you i guess, you have to go get it.
weve all been told that but do we actually think about what it means?
to put yourself into something, make something happen.
alot of times i get stuck feeling like, well thats fine and good but HOW do i make something happen
and i think ive learned i just have to do it.
im not sure how to explain myself.
its like opening a door, you just open the door.
i cant just sit there thinking, ohhh i gotta walk to the door, send signals to my hand from my brain to reach for the doorknob,
ok now turn it,
k pull.
nahhhh, you just open the door.
get it now?
although theres no real fear of failure while opening a door, it applies more to things that you give up on because you thought your way out of them.
like starting something youve always wanted to do.
dont think about it and be like ohhhh i dunno if id be able to doo it its too late it dosnt work with this it bla bla bla. if you want to do something in life just do it.
i dunno if this applies to anyone reading this, it might just be me.
then again it might not even be me, i change my mind so fuggin much i probably shouldnt even write in this thing.
in a week ill look at this and have some new thing i thought of or realized or whatever and this will be old.
maybe not tho, and i guess little parts of this will carry on.
kind of like the shiz we do in life, every little action adds up to make this crazy thing we call life,
im tired now.
peace and love
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[24 Jun 2007|03:05pm] |
beer and eggs is the breakfast of champions.
mmmmmm.
i should probably try to find a new job today.
we'll see.
things i need:
a job
sex
weed
dance parties
some motivation
my car back
a cigarette
better get on that, ill start with the cigarette.
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[17 Jun 2007|02:07pm] |
last night owned.
i got rediculously kranked and was wilin out on the dance floor.
successsssss.
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[15 Jun 2007|03:05am] |
i get tired of saying life is good or bad,
so life is life.
i think thats a better way to put it anyway.
even though i despise it a part of me is ready to go back to school in fall, but im in no hurry haha.
summer can take as long as it wants.
all i want to do lately is dance, get krunkk and partay.
woot woot woot woot party time woot woot
oo and go to the beach.
i think humanity should combine all of those things 3.5 days a week.
3.5 days sick beats on the beach
3.5 days other stuff
1 week of god
my bed is looking very soft right now and im blazed so im going to sleep
peace and love
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[20 Mar 2007|04:40pm] |
i think that the terms "weird" and "normal" are both meaningless, because whos to say what is what right? but for the sake of this entry i will use them in the way you know them to be used.
i think that weird people are normal, and normal people are weird
i always like it when people call me weird. i mean, i take that shit as a compliment. after all, they usually call me weird after i do something awesome, like dance or say something really random.
me (while dancing): damn man, these jolly ranchers are delicious.
everyone else (while buggin): OMG UR WEIRD LOLZZ?!!!!111!
fuck that.
everyone is weird, some people are just insecure enough to try and hide it.
even i am guilty of this sometimes,
you know when your sitting there and you get the urge to do or say something, but decide to hold it in because people will think your weird? or you think it dosn't fit your "character"?
thats being "normal". stop that. thats no fun and it is self defeating.
say what you want to say and do what you want to do, even if it makes you look weird as fuck.
because the fact of the matter is, thats who you are. you are not weird.
how do you even define weird? not normal? well what the fuck is normal? if normal is holding back and trying to be like everyone else then i say FUCK being normal.
besides weird people have more fun.
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[15 Jan 2007|04:29am] |
im done waiting haha.
done feeling like if i dont have the same shit as everyone else that im missing something.
nick fiore needs absolutely nothing to have 10 times as much as anybody else.
look inside and youll find that you already have everything you need.
im the way i am so that i can find other people who are the way i am, few and far between as they may be.
get it?
i dont play games anymore.
i wont wear a mask anymore.
there are no rules on what to do or how to do it. you just do it.
the things that make the least sense are sometimes the ones that flow the best.
never expect anything, if your trying to put yourself into a certain situation you will usually end up disappointed, go with it and youll end up where your supposed to be.
i may not always be funny or entertaining, but thats because i dont need to be. just being there is enough and anyone with a bit of sense will understand what i mean by that. its in the eyes, you know im there and loving everyone in more ways than words could ever express. Probably in more ways than they could understand at this point in time.
regardless of how shitty i may feel, "I" am always happy,
niggas put down my dance moves because its easier than admitting you dance like a fool too.
victim of the xanax monster? HAH, nigga i AM the xanax monster.
BECAUSE I CAN WORK THAT SHIT BITCHEEEZZZZZ... ;)
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